Goodbye
by Ponne
Summary: As Paine reflects on her life, she wonders why everything went the way it did.
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer**; I dun own it, nuff'said (  
_Author notes;_ This will be my first fanfic, so bare with me ;D

--- **Goodbye ----**

Its funny, at least to those who can understand its morbid humor. I myself have never seen the humor of it untill today, filled with nigma's, questions, dissorder and sometimes even chaos. But then again; it also has a an almost bittersweet emotion to it, one where i cant really say if i'm happy or sad, or maybe i'm both?

_"sigh"_

I guess i'll never really understand why human emotions always work in the ways you dont want them to, you get lost in so-called happyness and for a few short seconds you forget about the pain and missery you've had to go through all those years, you feel safe, comforted, but most of all...loved. Its always been my personal opinion that friendship is nothing more then a means to an end, or at least thats what i tell myself; I damn well know that there really are people out there that want to be your friend simply for the reason of "I think your cool" or something in that direction, much like Rikku and Yuna used to say to me.

I knew i'd fuck it up along the way, i always do.. And if i dont, someone, or thing will, its my curse, but also my blessing.

I can feel the warm summer breeze, blowing softly through my hair, almost like its trying to comfort me, telling me that everything will be alright, that i shouldnt cry. The sun is helping to, with its beautifull orange glow setting peacefully on the far borders of the ocean, slowly beeing subdued by the dark blue waters; it looks so much like a "crime passionata". I feel so small and insignificant, maybe i am, maybe i'm not, i doubt i will ever find out.

As i look at the setting sun and feel the wind blow, i think back of the days when all of us were on the Celcius, sorring through the sky looking down on Spira in all its unveiled beauty, these where the times i really felt at peace, when i felt safe somehow. the Celcius has always been a retreat for me, its cold steel and growling engine's reminded me so much of myself; Always going, controlled by someone else but unlike me; The Celsius always got where it was going, how could it not? It had the blessing of a good crew. I'll never admit it to anyone, but i respect Buddy, Brother and Shinra a lot for the way they handled their beloved ship, and in some way, i wanted someone like them to guide me to my goal. I thought i had found him, but as "fate" wanted it, my love would never be known to him.

I think of you again, with your beautifull dark blue eyes. God; i couldnt even look at you straight because i was affraid i'd get lost in your eyes and the others might find out what i really felt for you, it was unbarable.I remember the time you got shot in Bikanel and were to weak to move on. As you rested on my lap i stroked your platinum blond hair with a touch i had thought was lost to me. You spoke to me with your dark, yet comforting voice, asking me not to leave you like the others had, crying bittersweet tears of pain, disspair, fear, but also joy for the fact i promised you i'd never leave you.

I had never seen you looking so beautifull as you did that night, i'd never seen you shine so bright. I didnt expect you to look so at peace with the inevetable, i was so angry at you for it; I couldnt bring my mind to accepting it.  
But yet, you where shining brighter then ever before, you were amazing as you laid there.

Together we "laughed" as we remembered the _"good ol'days"_ when all of us were sitting round a campfire, roasting marshmellows, or so we told ourselfs. We had been through so many things, we were a team, we were friends, **real** friends.

Nooj, Gippal and you were the first to show me that friendship really did exist, i was so happy with you guys', you were my home for the longest time, that is at east; Until Nooj shot us, or rather, a posessed Nooj shoot us....or was it? I've always wondered if Nooj really was acting purely by Shuyin's wish, maybe Nooj really did want to loose us, and Shuyin was just trigger, or maybe not. I have so many questions that will remain unanswered.

All i know is that Nooj was the one that took you from me; i'll never forgive him for it, eventough i have accepted it was not his fault.

Our last moments together were akward. I had seen many people dieing before, but this was the first time i cried for life after my parents had died. With your last powers you held a firm grip on my hand, you asked me to tell Nooj you _"understood"_, i didnt know what it ment by then.

As you closed your eyes and exhailed for the last time, i felt something burning inside, an undiscribable surge of emotions was shooting through ever part of my body, i screamed, i cursed Nooj to the pits of hell, but most of all; i wept. I must have cried for several hours untill the exhaustion and my own wound got to me. When i woke up i felt so weak, i was no longer in the desert by your side. A group of Al'Bhed found me and took me back to their camp. I was so ashamed

i had left you there, i had broke my promise to you. Still in pain from my wound, i ran out in the desert to find you, again i found myself crying and screaming, looking for a loved one, much like the day Sin had attacked. I looked for days, but i found nothing but sand and more sand. You were the one person i ever, really, loved, and i failed you; i couldnt not even lay you to rest........  
_"Forgive me Baralai"_

I can feel myself crying again. Sitting here in the soft green grass as i look back on my misserable life i am starting to realise maybe it could have been different. Maybe, just maybe i could have saved you, we would have been happy together, maybe have kids, maybe have a happy life, maybe die in peace. ALL just maybe's. my entire life is one big maybe, often resulting in a big fat no.

Why am i smilling? My life has been horrible, but here, as i think back on it, im smilling...why?

heh its probably for you, you always said i needed to smile more, often it resulted in me blushing scoffing at you to _"shut'it"_ which in its turn would result in a burst of laughter from you, Gippal and Nooj. You always made fun of me that way. I was so affraid to show emotion, i wanted to be strong, like Nooj was, i wanted to be laid-back, and have fun in life, like Gippal, i wanted something to believe in, something to get strength from, like you.  
I was, and had none of those, i was always the outcast. But you guy's made me feel happy with beeing an outcast, as strange as it may sound.

"What next?"i find myself asking, where do i go from here? Whatever it is, its not going to be pretty, but still, doesnt hurt to think about it, not a lot at least.  
I'll be alone again, just the way i "like" it. With noone to bug me with silly questions, noone to get me out of bed early, noone that will always have a happy face...  
_"Bleh"_, i think i might actually miss the Al'Bhed girl. Rikku is so different from me, she clearly enjoys life to its fullest, often forgetting there are some who havent had it as easy as she, it must be her childhood innocence or something, i wouldnt know, i never had that.

She has a weird vibe around here, one that i will never be completely comfortable with, im probably just affraid her naïve will get her killed; God knows how many times it gor me and Yuna in trouble. On the other hand of it, maybe i should be more like her in that aspect, just go with it, not really thinking about it, but now that i'll be alone again, its going to be a lot harder to keep a floating......maybe i dont want to float anymore......

_"Yuna...." , "Sweet, sweet Yuna"_ if anything, i'll miss you the most. You will never know how important you have been to me. You, unlike me grew up in a safe haven, with a lot of people around you that really had heart for you, but; You were a fighter, wanted to be strong....like..daddy..

You were "doomed" to fight Sin, and die whilst beating it. But you had him, he died for you, to keep you safe; Real Love.

And now you're looking for him, dwelling around trieing to find clues as to where your lover is, how you can save him. I have seen you cry in your room so many times.

You're broken inside, wondering why. But you keep a proud head, like nothing is a miss..i wish i had that strength.

I look up to you as more then the high-summoner that defeated Sin, much more then that. I've even grown to see you as a sister, the older sister that looks out for me, and as one of the few be able to understand my pain, my sorrow.

_"Ah well....Time to go..."_ i tell myself as i take one more lance at the now full moon. The moon is an emotion in itself, housing everything we fear, love, hate and need. I wonder if someone out there is looking at the moon wondering the same thing i am; "Why am i here?", "What is my goal?".  
probably not; Thats so typical for me.

A dark blue has taken over the landscape, almost like a fairy tale. the wind is still blowing, but no longer is it the warm summer breeze it was before. It has turned into a cold, expelling wind. Like its wanting me to leave it alone, trying to cut me with its waves. "Figures, even Mother Nature doesnt like me".

Crickets are chirping an eerie melody, i feel alone again. the sudden change of surroundings has affected me once again; and as the night continues to get darker, so does my mood. I want to look around for the last time; but i cant. Its gotten so dark all i can see is the moon's reflection on the water and the landscape. All the lights have dimmed, its almost a sign. _"Vive le Mort"_ i guess.

I close my eyes and start running. Unawear of the dark around me i run and run, i start crying again _"Why did it end this way? "..."why am i ending it this way?"_

but i keep running, faster and faster....Untill i take my final flight.

I hear the wind howling, racing past me faster then ever, its like its pushing me down. The waves beneath me are crashing into the mountains, trying to make me way for me as i fall towards its darkness. for a splitsecond i open my eyes one more time, i see the ground approaching, beeing enguled by a fury of water and mist, its almost a beautifull sight.

I think of Rikku, Yuna, Brother, Buddy and Shinra, the only familly i ever had. Will they miss me? Will they understand? Will they Cry?

Even as i come close to the end, new questions emerge, the irony of my life is so oblivius, maybe thats why i'm running away...Beeing sarcastic myself, i guess i cant life with a sarcastic fate as well...

I close my eyes again and i see your smile, your never ending beautifull smile...I cant wait to see you again, will you be waiting for me? You must be.

_"Baralai....I'm comming home."_


	2. Les Miserable

---**Chapter 2**----- L'es miserable --

What is this? This is not the way its supposed to go!

I landed in the cold, harsh waters that had engulfed the sandy beaches, it must have been a cruel joke of some sort. I dare not ask why i didnt crash on the hard sand, surely the answer will be one that does not statisfy me at all....

here i am, beeing tossed and twisted like a rag doll by the raging waves, like they are playing with my body, breaking my hopes of survival, as if they do not realise i am welcoming them to grab me and pull me under, doing what i myself could not do.....ending it.

Im still conscious, but barely, the pain of my broken body has withered away at the pain of my shattered heart.The waves are dartling me away, further and away from everything i had always thought i needed, yet they are not fulfilling my final wish, they're keeping me a float, leaving me to wither away.

"I wonder how it will be ended, surely there is no escaping it now". the waves may deny me final rest, but the sea, its master, will surely not have the same morbid compassion for me. I'll either die of lack of nurishment and water, or i'll be gobbled up by some fiend. "I'll put my money on the fiend, that way it'll hurt even more, which is so fitting for my life".....

A sound, an all to familliar sound. but i cant place it, its comming from everywhere and no where ,above me, beside me, below me, even inside me, yet it is not a sound i fear, more a sound i wished not to hear. I realize now its the sound of an airship hovering closer and closer....

"have they seen me?" Please no , "Are they comming for me?" Leave me alone!.

A crash next to me. Something, or someone has plunged into the cold harsh water...why? To save me? To steal whatever he/she can find on a seemingly dead body? Maybe another one who wishes to end it.....i dont know....

A small short silhouette rises next to me, i cant tell who it is, the pain has taken over my vision only to leave me with blurry spots. The same goes not for my ears.

"Paine! Paine what the hell are you doing!?!?" , "Are you trieing to get yourself killed?!?!" , "have you gone insane?!?!" , "Yadayadayadayada"...i cant even understand what the voice is saying anymore, its going at highspeed with an extremely high tone of voice...It has to be the Al'Bhed girl..."sigh"

"Where did they come from?" , "How did they find out?" , "Cant they understand..this is what i want?" Probably not, but then again, even if they understood, they probably would not have accepted it....

The darkness is finally comming, maybe i will have peace after all. Its taking me in an almost warm, comforting manner, one i could even get used to; yet i realise it is not doing what i want it to do,its not taking me, is this what death is? A feeling of falling asleep? or is this another one of mother nature's nigma's that will be unaswered till the end of dawn...I'm slipping away...falling deeper and deeper in an endless pit, the sound of the Young Al'bhed's voice echoing in the background, getting softer and harder at the same time. Is this a subconsius emotion? or is it realisation? ..

I think i'm realizing i dont want to die...But its to late, the darkness is to powerfull to fight..and i slip away.....

"Its so warm, so comforting, almost like beeing in mommy's lap again" So....did i die or what? Stupid question's.

I ...i dont think i'm dead..yet. But why cant i do anything? Whats going on...

I hear voices, some i know and recognize, and some i dont. Some are crieing, some are screaming, some are laughing, some are joyfull and some just are...

_"hello Paine..." _

Its you! Where are you! I cant see you, its as dark as night and as bright as day at the same time, ihear you, but you come from everywhere. i want to scream but my lips are denieing my wishes, i try to move, but my body is as hard as stone and as fluid as jellow at the same time, what is this!?!

_"Do not be affraid Paine, you are save."_

"Where..where are you?" I ask. My lips have subdued and seem to be aknowlidging me..

_"I am here Paine, but i am also nowhere." _

What? Why are you speaking , only making me wonder more..What does it mean..

_"You have been given a choice Paine. I beg of you to make the right desicion"_

What choice? What are you talking about i wonder. Why cant i see you, yet it feels like you are right in front of me.

_"You are on the borders Paine.", "A place where everyone like you goes" _

Everyone like me? Please stop. please, just stop making me want answers. Hold me, comfort me, like i imagined you'd do.

_"Everyone like you, seekers of peace and rest. it is here where they are given their final choice"  
"Do you wish to die Paine, leave everything behind, leave behind everything you have fought for."_

A choice?

_"yes Paine, a choice..Now make it. Do you wish to die, or do you wish to live on?"_

I have a choice? Why? I've always thought men did not control life, or death. And here i am, beeing offered a "choice"...Why?

_"Your live has not been fulfilled Paine. There are things that go beyond simple reasoning, things we must all abide by, wether we want to or not."_

_"You, just like Yuna have been placed on this Earth with a purpose, one you have not yet fufilled, so you are beeing given a choice"_

_"Do you wish to live on and fulfill your purpose, or do you wish to leave the plain, and join us in a world of perfect flaw" _

A purpose? me....I have a purpose..But why? Why me! I didnt ask for it! All i wanted was peace and quiet! Stop lieing to me!  
Even if it was true, maybe i dont want to know!!

_"Dont cry Paine."  
"Look, there are people that wish you back, praying for your save return to them"_

I can see them, suddenly the vision of Rikku, Yuna, brother, Buddy, Nooj, Gippal and so many others i have grown to love is penetrated in my eyes.

I see their tears, the sorrow in their eyes, i see a look i know all to familliar, the look of wanting, needing something.....

_"Do you understand now Paine?"_

_"Your life has never been yours to take, when you did what you did, you ravaged the dreams and feelings of others."_

_"Only you can restore what has been done, this is your choice to make Paine"_

"I...I dont know.." It seems an eternity ago i jump of that cliff...its like so many things have changed and i didnt even realize it. maybe i really do want to life, maybe my live wasn't as bad as i thought..

_"Maybe i really was..happy...."_


End file.
